The Guardian’s Luke Lewis isn’t impressed with Metal Hammer’s proposal that “Metal” be listed as a religion in the 2011 census.
Sadly, this will never work. Having been employed by Kerrang! magazine, I know what metalheads are like. Any attempt to show a united front would soon descend into petty, factionalist squabbling. The grindcore fans would gang up on the sludge-metal fans. The stoner fans would call everyone else “pussies”. And the average black-metal fan wouldn’t get involved at all – he’d just stand aloof, looking grim-faced and pretending he’s called Horgoth and hails from the Frozen North (Trondheim), when in reality he’s called Barry and hails from the freezing north-east (South Shields).
What? Factional squabbles and sectarianism? That will be just like real religion, then. And while we have to see Slayer fans starting literal holy wars, you could count those church-burning Norwegian black-metallers as religiously-motivated terrorists.
Indeed, there are just so many parallels between organised religion and hardcore music fandom it’s impossible not to laugh. Ever heard of a church splitting up because of musical differences? It happens. A lot. All those organists and choirmasters with rock star sized egos….
As for rock star excess, who remembers “I’m the Bishop of Southwark. It’s what I do.“?